Sliding backwards

I feel like the clonazepam is losing effect.

I was doing so well, I felt competent and capable, and I thought, “maybe this is what it’s like for normal people” but I can feel myself sliding backwards.  No more skipping doses, maybe, it might be a short-term acting drug but let’s stay safe.  Let’s hope for the cipralex to start working, and soon, but antidepressants take weeks.  Doctor’s appointment on Friday to review the drugs I’ve been taken, we can see what she says.

Oh.  Oh my god.  I cannot.  I am fighting this, I am trying to be calm, but this terrifies me, to feel myself slipping back into the anxiety.  Yes, this is the way I’ve felt nearly constantly for years, but I’ve had a taste of something else and I don’t want to give it up.

I’ve always had good days and bad days, as far as this goes.  Possibly this is just a bad day, and it if weren’t for the clonazepam, I’d be doing a hell of a lot worse.

I have an appointment today.  I need to leave to catch the bus in about twenty minutes.  I should eat, can’t face food, am rocking in my chair.  This is that stupid counselling appointment that I initially tried to make in mid-December, had to wait two weeks for an intake, and had to wait another month for an actual appointment.  What sort of bullshit is this, that it takes this long to get help?  Thank god for my temporary counsellor, is all I can say.

Speaking of which, the temporary counsellor asked me to make a list of everything that makes me anxious.  Everything.  I’m adding things as they occur to me.  It’s becoming… a daunting list.


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